Monday, June 6, 2011

I was lost, but now I'm found

I was fortunate to grow up in a close-knit family, without the trials that many others have to go through.  My parents loved each other, they loved us, and we had a good life as a military family.  We moved a lot and it was hard each time leaving friends, but I learned a lot doing so, I made friends quickly, and always adapted well.  I was popular, always in pretty good shape, participated in a wide range of activities and sports, and by outward appearances, had a pretty perfect life.  In many ways I was confident, and often almost fearless, but there was a monster growing inside of me and I never even knew it.

Homecoming 1980

In my 20's, and even 30's,  I started losing bigger pieces of myself.  Why didn't I know it or see it?  Why didn't anyone else?  As simple as it seems, I think it is because I was in denial.  I  had convinced myself that all of the problem was me.  I would never measure up.  Others couldn't see through the smiles I wore or they gave up on getting their message through my occasionally hard head.   (It IS my blog, so I can say it was OCCASIONALLY.  ha! ha!)   What was this monster?  It's simple,  I had become a

Yep, that was me......a diehard, people pleaser.  When you are living for everyone else or their expectations, you become a shell of the person you would/could/should be.   My insecurities built.  The harder I tried to please each person, the more I felt like I was failing.  It was impossible to live up to the expectations of that many people.  The more I felt like I was failing, the less secure I became and the more I tried to do.  I looked for security and happiness in external ways, the worst of which was my belief that WHO I was started to become less about me and more about the people I was with.   It became clearly evident in the way I chose relationships.  What a vicious cycle!   Don't get me wrong, not everyone could see that despair and very few even knew about it.  I internalized most of it because....well, I couldn't let everyone down.  I LOST my identity.  That sounds dramatic, but it is true. 

It wasn't until I was in my mid-30's that I really felt like I hit bottom.  I knew I had to make changes.  I filed for divorce, made some changes in my life, and started using the word NO more often.  Remarkably, life started improving.  I shelved the dating world for a while, so I could examine my life and become reacquainted with my own feelings, dreams, and desires.  I've made a lot of mistakes in my life, but that was one of the most sound decisions I ever made.  As cliche' as it sounds, I had FOUND myself again. 

Now celebrating the 21st anniversay of my 25th birthday (hey, I can be 25 if I want to be! Tee hee hee!), I am truly happier than I've ever been in my life.  I don't have the body I did in my 20's, but I'm more secure in it.  I don't  feel guilty for living my life for me and my desires.  I don't care how that is perceived any more.  I am okay with saying no and meaning it.  I stand up for myself and I won't tolerate other people disrespecting me.  I am not afraid to remove toxic people from my life, no matter who they are.  I have a great family and the two most terrific kids that ever exisisted!!  My friends are TRUE friends; not the superficial type.  I have made significant strides in the kind of man I will accept in my life, although there is a little room for improvement.  Tee hee hee !   Is life perfect?  Not by any stretch of the imagination, but whose life is?  Life isn't supposed to be perfect.  It is about savoring the important things, growing every day, and EXPERIENCING everything there is to offer. 

Yes, I was LOST, but now I'm FOUND.........and I'm pretty damned happy.   If there is one thing I can ever pass along that I would want someone to pay attention to, it is this:  True happiness comes from within.  You will never find it externally.  You ARE something special !   Although I don't believe anyone is perfect, this song resonates with me because I believe we should all feel this way THROUGHOUT our lives.  (Excuse the language)

 



22 comments:

  1. I like this very much because I can relate to it! I was the "good girl" growing up who by all appearances had it all too, but I always questioned myself and was never really happy until much older. I've found contentment and that in itself is a huge blessing. It took a great deal of internal work, meditation, prayer and contemplation, but it's mine now and no one can take that away...

    Great blog!

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  2. I absolutely adore you, sweet Angie. Wonderful, honest post. ♥

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  3. @ Beth: you know I adore you too. I need to learn NOT to write something in five minutes and quit publishing without proofing. May need a lesson in brevity too. ;-)

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  4. This is one of my daughters favorite songs. . She wanted to sing it at her sisters wedding. . . Never thought I would hear it again amazing and this too. . We are this. . As a child in His eyes but then our gaze shifts.. .and we play in the sandbox of time . . .and once in awhile someone awakens : ) and we can fuxkin breathe again hehe write on write on

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  5. Exceptionally PERFECT my friend. Gosh, I relate so much to everything you say here. The song rocks (language and all!). You are loved.

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  6. Excellent post! I've had the opposite problem . . . being a selfish B who doesn't please people enough. It takes all kinds in the world. I bet you made a lot more friends along the way than I did. ;)

    Joyce
    http://joycelansky.blogspot.com/2011/06/lost-and-found-gbe2.html

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  7. @ Tai: Thank you, my friend. I think the song is really awesome. :)

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  8. @ Joyce: I doubt you were/are a bitch, as you stated. I think people who are assertive and have the ability to say no are often perceived wrong. I think the key is balance-to have a little of both. :). Thanks for sharing your link. I will be by.

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  9. Life for me has been a long seek and find journey. I'm still searching for myself and every time I think I've found me, something happens to question who I really am.

    Theresa Wiza
    My latest GBE 2 post: http://helpforsingleparents.blogspot.com/2011/06/lost-and-found-teachers-who-kill-their.html

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  10. @ Theresa: I can't speak for anyone else, but for me it has been a mission of finding the "core" of whom I am. Now I just find I am either growing or tweaking that person I found. I hope to do that every day that I take a breath.

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  11. A great post...I admire you for taking a stand...for YOURSELF and being able to say No. Awesomeness!

    Cheers, Jenn
    http://www.wine-n-chat.com

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  12. @ Marian: Your very last sentence is my favorite- "no one can take it away from me". If only everyone could find this lesson EARLY in life. :)

    @ Brenda: I think we have awakened. ;-) Love it!

    @ Jenn: Thanks, Jenn.

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  13. I used to be a people pleaser too, to get the kids who bullied me to back off. Now that I'm older and have a daughter of my own, I am making sure she doesn't repeat my mistakes!

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  14. @ Kate: I'm so sorry you were bullied. That is always heartbreaking. It is always useful to pass along the lessons we learned and HOPE that they don't have to go through the trials that we did.

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  15. I love this!! You are so right! Happiness is found with with. Relying on others to provide it is disappointing at best. You have to find your inner peace and own it. It sounds like you did!!
    YAY!

    Kathy
    http://www.thetruckerswife.com/

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  16. Thanks, Kathy. Unfortunately, it is a lesson that we aren't always taught growing up. I do have inner peace and that is a true blessing.

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  17. Right on! This is an important lesson--and I love your willingness to share so honestly.

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  18. So important that we hold on to our true selves. Trying to teach my daughter this. She's a new mum and baby is all. Very hard to get her to listen to my experience of forgetting to be me instead of just mum, but we'll get there! Excellent post *hugs*

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  19. I think one of the greatest gifts we can give our children is to teach them to embrace who they are and live a life being true to themselves. :) Hugs back, my friend.

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  20. Oh How I can relate:) I'm hoping one of these days to find a little more NO in me and relieve that feeling that comes from being a pleaser. Love ya:) xoxo Danni

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  21. Hi Angie,
    Thank you for your honesty in this post! I totally know what it is like 'putting it out there' in this forum, and not everyone can do it with the grace that you did here.
    I think that people can relate to what you are saying. I have been a "yes" girl for such a long time, I forget what "no" is like. Recently I shed some friendships that no longer worked for me, that were all about them and not about me at all.
    Keep doing what you are doing, because it sounds like you are doing pretty well to me!

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